I went to a baseball game last night with some friends. Two gals and a guy from my ward. Inevitably, as it always does when there is more than one single LDS person in one place, the conversation turned to dating, relationships, and why the heck we're all still single.
There was a lot we talked about. How guys date the same handful of women in the ward. How guys are fixers. How women can think with both their head and their heart at the same time, while men typically think with one or the other, but not both. How men and women communicate differently. The differences between the old relationship class at church and the new one (and no this is not a normal thing for LDS congregations--we're just relationship-challenged). We also talked about the five love languages and how the men in the ward were intimidated by all the smart, spiritual, pretty women.
On the way home the guy and I continued the conversation. I had read earlier this week about the same thing, an article by a man, and he'd talked about need. Apparently, men need to be needed. This is no shock; women need to be needed too. But, and I'm going from the article and then my conversation with this guy, men's need to be needed and their propensity to be "fixers" go hand in hand. If a women doesn't appear to have any needs they can "fix," they perceive her as being intimidating, unapproachable, and cold.
The truth of the matter is, most people's needs are invisible. As a single woman, I get my oil changed, I work, I pay the bills, clean my bird's cage, take out the garbage. I take myself to the doctor, rotate my food storage, and call the maintenance guy about the air conditioner all by myself. I have to; there is no one else around to do it for me. I am my own support; I am my own family.
When it comes down to it, though, those mundane things are not my real needs. They are only my visible needs. What I told this guy as we were driving back to our apartments is that even if you ignore every other factor (the need to be intellectually or spiritually matched, the need to feel attraction, etc.), the man who first recognizes and then "fixes" a woman's invisible needs is the one she will fall for.
Just because I am "independent," that doesn't mean I am independent of love or companionship or just having someone there to be my champion and say "I know you can do it, Darcy." It doesn't mean I don't want someone to talk with and commiserate with, to laugh with, to put their arms around me. Invisible needs take a lot more time to fix, it's true. But a woman will recognize when you take the time to figure her out and then be there for her with the things that really matter. And the guys who learn and do this....they're golden.